Do you ever find yourself watching other people and wishing you could be like them?
Coaching is the process of self-improvement, and change. If you feel ready to improve any area of your life, then get in contact for further details on how we can help, or book a FREE, completely confidential, 30-minute initial telephone session. Email: dawn@milestone-coaching.co.uk, or call Dawn on 01256 389600 to arrange.
All in Life Coaching
Did you know that our thoughts influence our feelings, our mood, our behaviours, and ultimately, our well-being, yet we rarely take the time to pause and examine them? By simply asking ourselves, “What am I thinking?” we unlock the potential to challenge unhelpful thought patterns, improve our mood, foster emotional resilience, and create better outcomes in our personal and professional lives.
I have today been listening to an interview with an incredible woman. Jasmin Paris, a record breaking ultra marathon champion was chatting to Simon Mundie on the “Don’t Tell Me The Score” podcast about endurance, time management, and achieving your goals. Why? Well, when you hear her story, you will understand why she is perfectly qualified to discuss these topics.
Earlier this year, Jasmin took part in the 268 mile Spine race across the Penine Way National Trail, widely regarded as one of the toughest endurance races in the world. Jasmin, became not only the first woman to win the race outright, she also smashed the men’s course record by a staggering 12 hours.
As if this wasn’t incredible enough, Jasmin was also expressing milk for her 14 month old daughter along the route. In addition, whilst training for The Spine, she was not only juggling the demands of being a Mum to a young baby during the day, she was up in the night feeding her baby, then getting up at 5am to complete a long training run, and all this on top of working as a vet.
I was desperate to find out how she managed to fit it all in, particularly from a time management point of view. Jasmin stressed that we first need to love what we do and when we find that it gives us purpose and drive. She described that her goals keep her focussed and they help her to decide where to focus her attention and what to spend her time on. She doesn’t watch TV! She occasionally watches the odd film and only looks at social media approximately 3 times a week. Jasmin explained she is able to juggle everything by spending time on 'worthwhile tasks' only - tasks that underpin and support her goals. She uses her time well, not losing hours on YouTube, Social Media, or TV. Jasmin's trick to time management is to carry out valuable tasks only, each with a real purpose and each connected to helping her achieve her goals, or for her family, or her career. A tip I for one am going to draw on a lot more to see the results for myself. How could this help your time management, too?
A question for you…..
How do you know when you’ve done a really good job? Or, how do you know when you look really good in a new outfit?
Some of you will say it’s because your boss or customer has told you so and you’ve received really good feedback. Or that your husband, friend or parent told you. These people are “external validators” - they rely on external validation to confirm how well they look or how well they are doing.
Others will reply with something along the lines of, “I just know, I know I have checked the work through thoroughly, that I’ve put in lots of hard work and effort, I’ve taken my time and I just know it is good” or, “I just feel really comfortable in the outfit and look in the mirror and if I love what I see, then that’s good enough for me".” They are internal validators - relying much more on their own internal measures of how well they are doing in life.
There is no right or wrong, but the downside to needing largely external validation comes when you are in a relationship with someone that just doesn’t naturally give compliments, or work for a boss that doesn’t see the need to give constant feedback/praise, or doesn’t know how. In these instances, we feel unsure of how we are doing, we can feel lost, uncomfortable, vulnerable, uncertain, very unhappy, and starved.
So when working with clients who feel this way because they rely heavily on external validation and just aren't receiving it, then we work towards them strengthening their “internal validator,” or internal coach or friend. The client learns to self coaching each time they have completed an important task by asking themselves the following questions:
1. What did I do well?
2) What, if I could turn the clock back, would I do differently?”
3) What will I do more of in the future?
At first this feels difficult and uncomfortable, but with time it becomes easier and incredibly helpful. By building and strengthening their "internal coach muscle" they are far less dependent on others and much better equipped with increased confidence and self acceptance. Don't get me wrong, most of us enjoy receiving the odd compliment, appreciation or praise, but once we have learnt to do that genuinely for ourselves, then we can take that internal coach with us wherever we go and use it with whatever we are facing and that has to be a good thing.
Here’s a question for you..…
Why do you love those in your life that you love? Why are you best friends with your best friends? What is it about those people that you especially like? Is it what they have achieved, what material items they have, how successful they are in their career? Or is it more about ‘who’ they are; their qualities, their values, their sense of humour, their kindness, their energy, their view of the world? I am guessing it is the latter?
Now I ask you about yourself. How do you decide whether you are a worthy person? Do you appraise yourself for who you are; your qualities and strengths, your kindness, your sense of humour, your caring nature, or is your self worth based more on what you have achieved, your career success (or possibly lack), the car you drive, your house, and so on. It is the latter?
I often see in clients, particularly those struggling with low self worth, that they choose their friendships and relationships on the basis of the person's values, personality traits, and character strengths. Yet, when they talk about themselves and explore their self worth, they are much more likely to base it on what they've achieved in life, or what they have, rather than who they are. Clients struggling with low self worth often hold the belief or have assessed that they've “failed in their role,” and are not very successful, they feel they are not very bright, haven’t managed to get a nice enough house, or drive an impressive enough car. Their self worth and confidence are based much more on those measures, than on the criteria they use for their friendships and relationships.
Why is that? It is a far harsher measure and actually, when we strip it down, those things are far less important - but this is so common. Many people focus on their perceived weaknesses instead of their character strengths, and conversely on their friends and loved ones’ strengths, but are blind to their weaknesses (thankfully!) - or at least are much more forgiving of them than of their own weaknesses.
But if we only focus on our failings then we will only see our weaknesses, and then that low self-esteem seeps into everything we do. But when we focus on our strengths, our inner qualities and on ‘who’ we are, rather than what we have achieved, life improves significantly on both personal and professional levels.
This is why the most successful people in the world focus on their strengths. They know (and have sometimes learned the hard way) that focusing on their weaknesses will only stop them from reaching their goals.
What do you focus on? Do you need to change the focus and re-evaluate how you appraise and measure yourself for greater success and for increased self worth?
What's stopping you? Many of us plan to make changes, start something new, do something, achieve something or take a risk, but then closely follow it with an excuse about why we can't do it now. We tell ourselves that we are waiting for the right time or the right circumstances - but there never is a "perfect" time. Perhaps it is really just avoidance, fear, or an excuse? Don't wait for the perfect time - it will never come. Don't tell yourself reasons why not - look for the reasons why you should/must do it - right now! Take just one action step to start the momentum, don't over think it - just do it, without any more fears, doubts and excuses. The truth is the only thing that stops us doing something is us! Don't get in your own way.
What is inner resilience? Why is it that some people cope with difficult times and life struggles better than others. What's the difference, and how do they do it?
The answer is that 'resilient people' don't stay stuck in the swamp of the problem. They don't focus on the "why is this happening?" or "why me?"
Instead, resilient people focus on the "how am I going to get out of this?" or, "what can I do to solve this/improve this?"
They go into solution mode and problem solving, they look ahead to when and how things can improve. They take action, make decisions, have goals and look forward rather than dwell on the present problem exclusively.
Sometimes we all need to wallow a little, but there comes a time when we need to get out of the mud and start to move forward. The question is, how soon do we want to do that?
