Do you ever find yourself watching other people and wishing you could be like them?
Coaching is the process of self-improvement, and change. If you feel ready to improve any area of your life, then get in contact for further details on how we can help, or book a FREE, completely confidential, 30-minute initial telephone session. Email: dawn@milestone-coaching.co.uk, or call Dawn on 01256 389600 to arrange.
All tagged personal achievement
For those of you who have listened to my “Life Coaching On The Move” Podcast, this is Millie and Ashe, my two trusted friends who join me on the woodland walks where I record most episodes.
For any who haven’t yet listened, please feel free to join me and pick up hundreds of tips, techniques, thoughts, stories, and examples that you can apply in your own life in order to grow your inner confidence and self-belief and feel much more in control of your emotions. I truly hope you find it helpful.
You can find it on any of the podcast platforms by searching “Life Coaching On The Move by Dawn Fiske, or by visiting: https://anchor.fm/dawn-fiske
Alternatively, you can now listen via YouTube by visiting: https://www.youtube.com/user/MilestoneCoaching/playlists?view_as=subscriber
Each of us have certain things that hold us down somewhat. A little like tent pegs holding down a tent, we all have things in life that ‘tie us down’ - family ties, career commitments, relationships, financial commitments, and so on. These things help give us a sense of purpose, focus, drive and confirmation that we are needed - and as such they are good things (although sometimes it might not always feel that way).
But when I work with clients, I sometimes find there are far more “tent pegs” in their life, pinning them down, holding the back, stopping them from moving forward. What are these tent pegs???
Perceived obstacles, fears, what if’s, doubt, false negative beliefs, self created blocks. Whether it is the belief that they “don’t have enough time”, “can’t afford it”, they are “ just not capable/skilled/clever enough”, etc., etc.
So what are the false “tent pegs” in your life? What is stopping you, holding you back? Completing the following statements quickly, and see what comes out for you:
I’m too……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….……
I’m not ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….…
I can’t ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I need …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
If only ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
By completing the above statements, without giving them too much thought, you will find what your “obstacles” or hurdles are. Now you need to do some very real soul searching and decide whether these are real ‘tent pegs’, or whether in fact they are merely limiting beliefs, self sabotage, self doubt, fear, insecurity, the what if’s, and excuses.
If that is the case, great news. Celebrate! False obstacles and limiting beliefs can most definitely be overcome and freedom from them is just around the corner. Awareness is half the battle, and that is where you find yourself now.
The final stage is freeing yourself and pulling those “tent pegs” from the ground. You can do this via many routes. Try working on them with a close friend or mentor or enlist the help of a Coach - but DO work on them.
Imagine how life will be when you have. What will you be doing that you are not currently doing? What can you achieve, experience, have or become, that you currently are not?
For further thoughts and tips, listen to our free “Life Coaching on the Move” Podcast, where you will find many personal growth subjects, examples, stories and shared experiences, strategies and methods, to underpin your development and progress , and keep you moving towards change and improvement.
A question for you…..
How do you know when you’ve done a really good job? Or, how do you know when you look really good in a new outfit?
Some of you will say it’s because your boss or customer has told you so and you’ve received really good feedback. Or that your husband, friend or parent told you. These people are “external validators” - they rely on external validation to confirm how well they look or how well they are doing.
Others will reply with something along the lines of, “I just know, I know I have checked the work through thoroughly, that I’ve put in lots of hard work and effort, I’ve taken my time and I just know it is good” or, “I just feel really comfortable in the outfit and look in the mirror and if I love what I see, then that’s good enough for me".” They are internal validators - relying much more on their own internal measures of how well they are doing in life.
There is no right or wrong, but the downside to needing largely external validation comes when you are in a relationship with someone that just doesn’t naturally give compliments, or work for a boss that doesn’t see the need to give constant feedback/praise, or doesn’t know how. In these instances, we feel unsure of how we are doing, we can feel lost, uncomfortable, vulnerable, uncertain, very unhappy, and starved.
So when working with clients who feel this way because they rely heavily on external validation and just aren't receiving it, then we work towards them strengthening their “internal validator,” or internal coach or friend. The client learns to self coaching each time they have completed an important task by asking themselves the following questions:
1. What did I do well?
2) What, if I could turn the clock back, would I do differently?”
3) What will I do more of in the future?
At first this feels difficult and uncomfortable, but with time it becomes easier and incredibly helpful. By building and strengthening their "internal coach muscle" they are far less dependent on others and much better equipped with increased confidence and self acceptance. Don't get me wrong, most of us enjoy receiving the odd compliment, appreciation or praise, but once we have learnt to do that genuinely for ourselves, then we can take that internal coach with us wherever we go and use it with whatever we are facing and that has to be a good thing.
Watching the thousands of amazing people take part in today’s London Marathon inspired me so much. What true grit they all had, such determination, mental strength, and phenomenal spirit.
Anyone that has ever completed a marathon will remember their first (and possibly last!) time. It isn’t just about the actual day of the run, it’s the months’ of work beforehand that equally deserve admiration. The terror when you hear yourself agreeing to sign up and then all the work that follows; finding a training plan and importing that into your calendar, seeing all the runs mapped out in black and white in the looming weeks and months ahead, seeing the distance and speed increasing on that plan, and then the reality of actually following it. The painful limbs, the blistered feet, the black toe nails, the sleepless nights dreading the next morning’s scheduled ‘long run’ as you push the distance up and venture into unchartered waters, and the sober evenings out when you have to hold back from the booze because of the looming miles you’ve got to put in the next day.
Then there is the psychological battle; the self doubt of “what if I can’t do it?” The dread of “how much is it going to hurt?” - and it will hurt!! The tears throughout the training, the doubt, the fear of the unknown and the doubting of your ability to rise to the challenge. Oh, and then there is the fund raising for the charity that is so close to your heart, and the pressure of not letting them down.
For all those reasons I applaud every single person that entered the London Marathon - not forgetting those who were due to, but couldn’t take part today because of injuries and illness encountered as a result of the training, and who watched with the mixed emotions of real sadness, envy and perhaps even a little relief.
They can all feel so incredibly proud of themselves. They took it on, worked hard, made physical and psychological sacrifices, pushed themselves, got out of their comfort zones, battled in mind and body and found what they were capable of. Well done to each and every one of them.
But we don’t have to enter a Marathon to do all of that. We can find our own challenge and make ourselves get out of our comfort zones by doing many other things, pushing and challenging ourselves, showing real commitment, overcoming self doubt, and finding out what we are capable of, too. By doing so, we find out what we are made of, feel unbelievably proud of ourselves, come alive and energised and, more than anything, can draw on the accomplishment in the future whenever we have a moment of doubt or fear.
For example, only a couple of weeks ago I was coaching a teenager who had just returned from 5 days in Wales completing her D of E Gold Medal and she proudly told me with a massive grin across her face that “When I first put my huge back pack on I struggled to even walk across the car park and genuinely doubted that I would ever be able to carry it for five days over miles and miles of Wales - but I did, and I am SO impressed with myself.” Quite right, too - she has every reason to be.
It really can be anything - but pushing what we think are our boundaries and limits and finding that in fact they weren’t is such a powerful tool and can help us in the future in so many ways. We can ‘bank’ those accomplishments as credits and draw on them anytime in our future when we have a little (or large) wobble, a moment of self belief, or find ourselves truly out of our comfort zone. It is those times when we can tell ourselves with real conviction, “come on, I can do this - I managed to do XYZ, so I know I can do this….” and it really works. This is probably over-sharing, but I even got through childbirth this way by me drawing on the fact that I had managed to complete a huge bicycle challenge a few years previously, in aid of MENCAP, over 500km in China - so I know this strategy works.
What’s in your ‘bank of accomplishments’ and how many more credits can you work towards investing in the future by stepping out of your comfort zone, challenging yourself in some way, facing your fears and pushing your limits? It is so worth it, both at the time but also for future use.
Good luck and enjoy the challenges.
