Do you ever find yourself watching other people and wishing you could be like them?
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All in Achievements
I have had the pleasure of working with many teenagers over the last few weeks. Most of them are 16 years old and are working with me as they approach their GCSE Mock Exams. Many of them are struggling with low confidence and self-belief, some are also trying to improve their focus, motivation, and organisational & time management skills. All of them fear failure!
Recently, during a session with one teenager, we focused on her reluctance to put her hand up in class and just have a ‘stab at the question’. Her Mum had already told me that the school had regularly flagged this up as an area of concern, and development.
I asked my young client what was stopping her from just having a go, and she shared that she was petrified of getting the answer wrong……… because it would make her a failure.
We talked at length about how she felt towards her classmates when they answered a question incorrectly, and she realised she had no strong feelings, either way and didn’t pass judgment on them.
We spent a long time looking into her feelings about her own ‘failings’ - something she wanted to avoid at all costs, whether it was failing an exam, or simply failing to answer a classroom question correctly.
I set about re-framing her views on what ‘failing’ meant in her mind. I asked her to recall a time when she had recently answered a question correctly and, other than feeling relieved at knowing the answer, what did she actually learn about the subject by answering the question correctly?” She took some time to think it through and then admitted, “Nothing really, I already knew the subject.”
What then had she learned when she had not known the answer to a question and answered incorrectly or “failed”? There was a hint of a smile when the penny dropped and she had to admit that in fact, she had learned far more by getting it wrong. She had ‘filled a gap in her knowledge,” rather than just confirming what she already knew.
She could clearly now see that by changing how she viewed “failing” she could learn so much more, and that, in turn, would ironically help her to succeed! ‘Failing’ was in fact a good thing. ‘Failing’ increased her chances of ultimately succeeding and rather than see it as the enemy, she can now see it as her friend and ally in learning.
She understands that we have to embrace ‘not knowing’. We have to reframe instances where we ‘don’t know the answer’ as an opportunity to gain new information, and a chance to broaden our knowledge.
I shared with her the words of my teacher from many years ago:
“It is not a bad thing to fail. Instead, see a FAIL as the FIRST ATTEMPT IN LEARNING.”
In everything we do, we always have a choice. When the going gets tough do we push on through, remain focused and determined, remember our why, and ultimately succeed with our original goal?
Or, do we look at the first obstacle that comes our way, tell ourselves disempowering thoughts, let self-doubt and ‘problems’ drag us down, and quickly give up?
Ultimately, it is down to what we say in our heads. If we run helpful, encouraging, empowering thoughts, in an open growth mindset we are much more likely push through and accomplish exactly what we set out to achieve.
Or, we allow the negative, disempowering thoughts to win and we throw in the towel. It is our choice both in terms of what we say to ourselves, but also whether we pay attention to it or instead, we ignore/override it, stick with our why, and succeed.
We choose…..!
Have you ever thought to yourself, "where is the limit to my achievements"? Or, "What is the most I could possibly achieve?"
As a 16 year old, I thought my exams were so tough, surely I could achieve no more than this? Then I sat my A levels and was shocked at how much harder they were, but I stretched my perceived boundary and did ok. First year Degree exams felt I had hit my limit and I couldn't possibly sit any harder exams, but of course that too was another false perception and unbeknown to me, I still hadn't hit my limit. Three year's later I survived my end of year Degree exams. Isn't this the truth for us all in so many ways?
It was the same when I started running. The first very gentle jog/walk I attempted felt like torture. I suffered with a horrible stitch, sweating, struggling to breath, my legs felt like jelly - it was hell - and I'd only gone about half a mile! Yet, slowly but surely I built it up, pushed a little bit further, a little bit harder, and kept going, and it wasn't long before I felt I was doing OK, I wasn't going to keel over, and that it might actually one day be fun...
So, if you ever wonder what you are truly capable of then set yourself bigger and bigger goals. Stretch yourself and build on each and every success, adding another layer to your achievements, and then stretching it a tiny bit more. Slow, incremental improvement. Small stretches in your goals, steadily pushing those boundaries up to the next level. I don't think we ever truly discover our threshold or limit, and I am certain you and I have not reached our full potential yet, by far. As an ultra marathoner told me once, "there is more in you yet!" We just have to keep stretching ourselves and enjoying every second of it.
