Overcoming Shyness Or Social Anxiety

Several evenings ago, I was enjoying a balmy summer’s evening over a glass of chilled wine with two of my closest former work mates. We were having a lovely chat about our teenage children and the new relationships they are embarking upon.

One friend was sharing how difficult it was that her daughter’s new boyfriend was incredibly shy and that despite trying to make him feel relaxed in their home and drawing him into conversation over the dinner table, it was proving a real struggle. He would avoid eye contact, blush, look on edge, and only give short answers when spoken to.

I shocked them both by saying that was exactly how I had been at 17 and that I totally empathise with him.

“Really!!?” replied one, doubtfully.

“Yes, I was scared of my own shadow. I hated social gatherings and would avoid them whenever I could. And when I couldn’t, I would get myself worked up horribly beforehand; my palms would go really clammy, my heart would race, my inner voice would flood my head with all sorts of self-doubts and anxiety, I’d go really hot and blush horribly as soon as anyone spoke to me. Being painfully shy is truly awful.”

“Why were you like that?” asked my other friend, as if there was a logical reason why I had chosen to be that way!

The first friend diverted that line of questioning by saying how genuinely shocked she was, bearing in mind the confident person they knew me to be years on from then. “I can’t believe that we know you as being really confident and bubbly, I can’t imagine you like that. How did you change it and get where you are now? You are a professional speaker comfortable in front of large audiences, a Podcaster, YouTuber, and have even occasionally been a guest Life Coach on the radio? You couldn’t be any more different than the person you are describing, how did you change it?’

The truth is, it took a lot of work. I knew I needed to believe in myself, I knew I wanted to become a stronger, more confident, and courageous individual. A person who was willing to take risks, try new things, speak out, and feel comfortable in any situation. I hated avoiding or dreading job interviews, struggling enormously with nerves and anxiety during the first few days in a new job, hating the first few dates with a new boyfriend, and then ultimately the nightmare of having to meet his family or the terror at speaking up in meetings at work, or even worse – having to give a presentation.

At first, I wasn’t sure how to turn things around, no one taught me, but I did it by myself, for myself. Slowly, but surely, I took one step at a time and built on any, and every, little successes I had. My confidence slowly grew, my self-belief developed, my courage expanded, and my happiness and achievements soared.

It wasn’t always easy, and it took me a long time. Training as a coach was a massive help because I learned tools and techniques ready to use with clients, and I was my first client!

I now know that confidence is a skill, and like all skills, it can be taught and learnt. There are many strategies and techniques that can be used to speed up the process and equally there are many negative habits and behaviours that need to be avoided.

Being shy, or struggling with social anxiety, does not have to be a permanent reality. We can make the decision to turn things around and make low confidence, poor self-belief, shyness, and social anxiety a thing of our past. Believe me, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I will never get in my own way again or hold myself back because of fear and self-doubt.

Please feel free to call me if this is something you would like to chat through and explore for your development. Perhaps together we could move you from that crippling position of low self-confidence to a place where you feel totally comfortable in your own skin, with your thoughts, and in life. I would love to speed that process up by coaching you in confidence, success, and inner happiness and teach you the tools, techniques, and strategies that will allow you to reach wherever you have only ever previously dreamed of.

The Power of Looking Within

One of the most powerful, yet often difficult, activities that we can do for our personal growth, is to fully explore why, on some occasions, certain things said or done to us by others can have an enormously upsetting or hurtful impact on us.

Have you ever wondered why some negative situations, whilst unpleasant, just pass us by? We manage to move on quickly, brush ourselves off, and forget about it with minimal effort. Yet, other unpleasant situations can really drag us down, we spend hours talking about it or reliving it in our mind, and generally struggle to let it go. Why is that? What is the difference that makes the difference? Why do some situations upset us so deeply, whilst others don't?

I believe these are the very experiences that, although painful, provide us with the biggest opportunity to dig deep, soul search, and learn about ourselves and our behavior. I would go so far as to say, that these situations or experiences may well in fact be badly wrapped gifts.

By gift, I am referring to the opportunity to learn something about our self, to understand ourselves better, to make a change, to improve something, or address something. Once we have discovered what that is, the negative situation immediately shrinks in size and strength, we see it through a different lens, and as a result, our negative emotions reduce.

Take the time to cast your mind back now to the last time someone truly upset, angered, or hurt you. Why did the experience have such a powerful impact on you? What could you learn from it about yourself, and what learning or gift could you find in that situation? Did they say anything that may have had some truth in it or some accuracy? Were they right in any way at all, even though it hurt and if so, what can you change take as the gift?

To hear much more on this topic, listen to Episode 61 of my free "Life Coaching On The Move" podcast series, which you can find on YouTube at https://youtu.be/Nytbw5a3_8w - I hope it helps.

My Much Loved Companions

For those of you who have listened to my “Life Coaching On The Move” Podcast, this is Millie and Ashe, my two trusted friends who join me on the woodland walks where I record most episodes.

For any who haven’t yet listened, please feel free to join me and pick up hundreds of tips, techniques, thoughts, stories, and examples that you can apply in your own life in order to grow your inner confidence and self-belief and feel much more in control of your emotions. I truly hope you find it helpful.

You can find it on any of the podcast platforms by searching “Life Coaching On The Move by Dawn Fiske, or by visiting: https://anchor.fm/dawn-fiske

Alternatively, you can now listen via YouTube by visiting: https://www.youtube.com/user/MilestoneCoaching/playlists?view_as=subscriber

If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you are going to get the same result.

Stop doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different outcome. Instead, increase the chances of you getting a much better outcome by enlisting the support of a Life Coach.

I help overwhelmed, unhappy, nervous, and stressed people grow their inner confidence, manage their stress, and gain control in their lives so they quickly feel happier, healthier, and much more fulfilled.

Business As Usual

GREAT NEWS - BUSINESS AS USUAL.

We are all currently facing very difficult times, and trying to overcome challenges we never imagined having to deal with. We face weeks ahead at home with little contact with others. Most are battling with fears and anxieties about their own health and the health of loved ones, whilst the majority of us are concerned about how our NHS will cope. Many of us are desperately worried about finances, job security, and our children's education. Whilst all of us will have our own unique family struggles and concerns.

These are unchartered waters and some of us will cope well, whilst others will feel totally at sea. I am around and available to coach and support you, should you feel it could help, and am working on a "business as usual" basis providing 'virtual coaching sessions' via Zoom, FaceTime or phone.

Amongst other subjects, I am providing life coaching, stress coaching, building resilience, support with anxiety and fear, time management and working productively from home coaching, and support around family challenges. Together we can ensure you come out of these weeks feeling calmer, mentally stronger, much more resilient, efficient and ready to face life with complete direction.

Soar Into A Better Future

If you could soar over this difficult time to the time when it is all behind you and just a distant memory, what will you have found out about yourself? What strengths will you have found that you didn't know you had? What will you have achieved in these months that you've always wanted to achieve but didn't have the time? So far, I have cleared the garage of lots of rubbish and sold some bikes, and a rowing machine to people that really want some help with the exercise side of these months. I've power-hosed the patio, too. Today I am washing and hoovering out the car, and next week I am focussing on clearing outgrown/unused clothes from all of the wardrobes and drawers. How about you? If you would like further tips, techniques, and helpful strategies to use throughout this difficult time, or any other time in your everyday life then feel free to listen to my free "Life Coaching On The Move" podcast found on my website. Just click on the podcast button to listen and enjoy.#stayingpositive#copingstrategies#lifecoaching

Don't Fall At The First Fence

At the time of writing, we are just six days into 2020 and I wonder how you are doing with your new year resolutions so far? This year I have committed to both dry January AND Veganuary and was hugely surprised when my husband said (unprompted) that he too would try Veganuary and keep me company. What have you committed to this year? Any new habits, goals, or plans? Or are you trying to stop old habits? How is it going so far?

Sadly, though the stats don't tell a good story. Did you know that 92% of new year resolutions fail within the first two weeks! Why do so many of us fall at the first fence? Where are our resolve, commitment, and determination? Which group would you like to fall into - the successful 8%, or the 92% who give up?

My husband has already joined the 92% - having met with friends in a pub yesterday to share Sunday lunch and opting for the whitebait to start, followed by fishcakes for his main!!

I love testing and challenging myself to find out what I can and can’t achieve and I believe that small, realistic and manageable goals are one of the best ways of doing it. Whether it is just 31 days of sobriety, a couple of months to train for a Half Marathon or a month of totally different food options, we can find out what our strengths and weaknesses are, and I find that empowering, energising, fun, and interesting. I hate just plodding through life and little challenges like these make us feel alive, give us something to focus on, help us learn things about the subject matter (and ourselves), help us feel great whilst doing it (especially when we succeed) and remind us that we are alive. We can also bank our successes (however large or small), in our 'confidence bank' and draw on them in those wobbly moments of self-doubt.

So I say no more sleepwalking through life - add in some new things, challenge yourself, find out what you are made of, your strengths and weakness, and commit to flying over that first fence when it presents.

Good luck!

The Importance of Knowing Your "Why?"

Many of us take advantage of this time of year to start new things, stop old habits, work towards new stretch goals, or aim to improve ourselves in some way or another. For me, it is dry January (which I do most years) but also and for the first time, this year I am trying Veganism for the whole of January. As a meat-eater that feels quite a monumental leap and trust me, it has taken a lot of time researching and educating myself leading up to 1st January. Although I am only on Day 2 (!) I do feel much safer knowing what I can and can’t eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and what snacks I can have on the bad days - so I am armed and fully prepared with the right ingredients in the cupboards, a full plan in my head, and lots of preparation in terms of menu ideas and recipes.

I know that we are all much more likely to achieve our goals if we make them realistic and achievable so I have only set myself a month. If I had told myself I was turning a vegan forever, it would have felt a much more overwhelming aim and one I suspect I would fail to achieve. Now, I am safe in the knowledge that it is only 31 days and will then review how I feel about my future eating habits once I reach February 1st. Make your goals achievable and don’t over-promise - if you do, you are far more likely to set yourself up for failure and that never makes anyone feel good.

Planning has also been critical to my success, as it is with any of us. If we think about the “how” and put everything in place in advance, we massively increase our chances of success.

But the biggest and most helpful element for me though, and always has been in every goal I have ever set myself, is to know my “why?” For example, when I trained for an Ultramarathon (don’t be too impressed, it was a walking Ultramarathon, not a run!), whilst at the same time struggling horribly with the painful condition in my heel known as Plantar Fasciitis, I had to keep reminding myself why I was doing it. We had received a huge amount of very generous sponsorship pledges from friends and family for a phenomenal cause and I had to keep reminding myself that that was why it was worth pressing forward. So if any of us waiver with our New Year goals and resolutions I strongly recommend tapping into the 'why'. Why do you want to achieve this goal(s)? What made you aim for it in the first place and what does achieving it bring you? What will success look and feel like and what does that bring to your life? I know my reasons for trying Veganism are strong enough to keep me going if or when I struggle (particularly when cooking familiar foods for the rest of the family), and I know from working with so many clients on their goals that the overriding key to success is to regularly draw on your ‘why?’

So be realistic with your achievable goals, plan and prepare your ‘how’ and regularly remind yourself of your ‘why’. Good luck and enjoy the great sense of achievement when you achieve want you are working to achieve. Enjoy every bit of your success!

Lost Connections - A Truly Insightful Book on Depression

I don’t often do this, but I have been researching the topic of living with and tackling depression and came upon a brilliant book. I thought it would be a wise idea to share it, just in case, it could help you or a loved one.

Lost Connections, by Johann Hari, is packed with really insightful stories, research, findings, and his own experience and is an easy and extremely helpful read. It is also available on Audiobook, narrated by himself. Johann Hari also has many free talks available on YouTube and it is definitely worth checking out his Ted Talk on the same subject. I hope it helps - I really would recommend it.

What Do Your Two Wolves Tell You?

The North American Indians believe that we all have two wolves in our head; the good, helpful, empowering and encouraging wolf, and the unhelpful, critical, disempowering, negative wolf. Each go with us wherever we go. Each talk to us and try and pull us into their way of thinking, battling with each other to win. Here is how the story goes:

An old Cherokee grandfather is telling his grandson a story. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said. ”It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil — he is anger, envy, greed, arrogance, resentment, lies, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The wolves are fighting to the death.

Wide-eyed, the boy asks his grandfather which wolf will win.
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

This is so true. We must decide which one we want to “feed”. Listen to the internal chatterbox that is trying to help you, push you forward, encourage and develop you and feed it, and we must ignore and override the voice that is trying to keep us in a little prison, too scared to try anything, fearful of what others might think, catastrophising and worrying. We need to starve the bad wolf, ignore it and refuse to let it win.

What is holding you down?

Each of us have certain things that hold us down somewhat. A little like tent pegs holding down a tent, we all have things in life that ‘tie us down’ - family ties, career commitments, relationships, financial commitments, and so on. These things help give us a sense of purpose, focus, drive and confirmation that we are needed - and as such they are good things (although sometimes it might not always feel that way).

But when I work with clients, I sometimes find there are far more “tent pegs” in their life, pinning them down, holding the back, stopping them from moving forward. What are these tent pegs???

Perceived obstacles, fears, what if’s, doubt, false negative beliefs, self created blocks. Whether it is the belief that they “don’t have enough time”, “can’t afford it”, they are “ just not capable/skilled/clever enough”, etc., etc.

So what are the false “tent pegs” in your life? What is stopping you, holding you back? Completing the following statements quickly, and see what comes out for you:

  1. I’m too……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….……

  2. I’m not ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….…

  3. I can’t ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  4. I need …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  5. If only ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

By completing the above statements, without giving them too much thought, you will find what your “obstacles” or hurdles are. Now you need to do some very real soul searching and decide whether these are real ‘tent pegs’, or whether in fact they are merely limiting beliefs, self sabotage, self doubt, fear, insecurity, the what if’s, and excuses.

If that is the case, great news. Celebrate! False obstacles and limiting beliefs can most definitely be overcome and freedom from them is just around the corner. Awareness is half the battle, and that is where you find yourself now.

The final stage is freeing yourself and pulling those “tent pegs” from the ground. You can do this via many routes. Try working on them with a close friend or mentor or enlist the help of a Coach - but DO work on them.

Imagine how life will be when you have. What will you be doing that you are not currently doing? What can you achieve, experience, have or become, that you currently are not?

For further thoughts and tips, listen to our free “Life Coaching on the Move” Podcast, where you will find many personal growth subjects, examples, stories and shared experiences, strategies and methods, to underpin your development and progress , and keep you moving towards change and improvement.

https://anchor.fm/dawn-fiske

"Comforting The Troubled, And Troubling The Comfortable"

As a life coach, I do both. It really depends on who and what I am working on and what is relevant. Which could help you most, or perhaps a combination of both? Us humans are so multi-layered and rarely is it ever just one thing - that is why I don’t specialise in one area only - because often a client will call about “career issues” or “confidence problems” and once we starting working together we find one thing impacts on another. Often, if a client is unhappy at work, it impacts on home life. If their home life is troubled, it impacts on work or business. I pride myself on being a “generalist” in Life Coaching because there are so frequently more than one area playing a role.

Don't Allow Self Doubt To Be Your Biggest Thief

Would you let a thief in your house? Would you go away on holiday and leave all your doors unlocked? Would you leave your car unlocked outside your house after hearing your neighbour's car had recently been stolen? NO!

Yet many of us allow the biggest thief of our success, happiness, confidence and achievements come into our head – the thief we know as SELF DOUBT!

 When self-doubt creeps in and we give it attention and power over us, we lose momentum, we stop taking action, we hold ourselves back, we angst, worry and fret. Then what happens….?

-       OUR SELF DOUBT WINS

Instead of planning, trying, making decisions, taking risks, getting excited and taking action, we stay put, we stay ‘safe’, we STAY STUCK!

Self doubt is the biggest obstacle we face. Not financial, not time, not circumstances, ability or opportunity. WE stop ourselves. We must get out of our own way!

 So how do we stop our self-doubt?

When that voice kicks in feeding us all the self-doubting worries, we need to recognise it and consciously turn our thoughts into solution mode – “What can I do to make sure it does work?” “What steps can I take to make sure I do succeed?” “How can I make myself even more foolproof with this plan?”

Instead of spending energy and effort on worrying about the ‘what if’s’, we focus that same energy and effort into how we can minimise and/or overcome the possible obstacles, and therefore succeed, grow in confidence and self belief, feel happier, motivated, and achieve our goals. All much more positive than staying stuck in our self-induced mud of self doubt!

Solution thinking takes back control. Worrying diminishes our control.

Concluding tip:

Refuse to be a victim of your own thoughts. Instead, get out of your own way and take back control.


Life Coaching On The Move - Launch of my free, weekly, motivational podcast.

I am so pleased to be able to announce the release of my free, weekly podcast packed full with tips, techniques and strategies that you can use in your everyday life to grow your inner confidence and self belief.

Full of stories and examples from 1000’s of coaching clients on similar journeys, I aim to bring all my topics to life, make them easy to understand, inspiring and motivational. The podcast will encourage and support your development so you can become the person you want to be, feel the way you want to feel and achieve everything you have only previously hoped to achieve.

If you like, please rate and review it if you get a second. It will help others to find it and benefit in the same way as you. Or, if you feel it appropriate, please ‘Share’ the link on your social media so your friends can have a listen and benefit. I have included the link below.

I really hope you like it. Let me know if there are any topics you would especially like covered.

Thank you so much!

https://anchor.fm/dawn-fiske

An incredible human feat - prepare to be impressed!

I have today been listening to an interview with an incredible woman. Jasmin Paris, a record breaking ultra marathon champion was chatting to Simon Mundie on the “Don’t Tell Me The Score” podcast about endurance, time management, and achieving your goals. Why? Well, when you hear her story, you will understand why she is perfectly qualified to discuss these topics.

Earlier this year, Jasmin took part in the 268 mile Spine race across the Penine Way National Trail, widely regarded as one of the toughest endurance races in the world. Jasmin, became not only the first woman to win the race outright, she also smashed the men’s course record by a staggering 12 hours.

As if this wasn’t incredible enough, Jasmin was also expressing milk for her 14 month old daughter along the route. In addition, whilst training for The Spine, she was not only juggling the demands of being a Mum to a young baby during the day, she was up in the night feeding her baby, then getting up at 5am to complete a long training run, and all this on top of working as a vet.

I was desperate to find out how she managed to fit it all in, particularly from a time management point of view. Jasmin stressed that we first need to love what we do and when we find that it gives us purpose and drive. She described that her goals keep her focussed and they help her to decide where to focus her attention and what to spend her time on. She doesn’t watch TV! She occasionally watches the odd film and only looks at social media approximately 3 times a week. Jasmin explained she is able to juggle everything by spending time on 'worthwhile tasks' only - tasks that underpin and support her goals. She uses her time well, not losing hours on YouTube, Social Media, or TV. Jasmin's trick to time management is to carry out valuable tasks only, each with a real purpose and each connected to helping her achieve her goals, or for her family, or her career. A tip I for one am going to draw on a lot more to see the results for myself. How could this help your time management, too?

Could Your Life Be One Long Experiment?

Imagine for a moment that your philosophical belief wholeheartedly was that “life is a series of experiments.” What would your life be like with this approach? How would it be different and how would you react to events that came your way with this steadfast mindset?

Would it be better? I think so. I feel I would be more adventurous and much more willing to try new things. I suspect I would react differently when things didn’t turn out so well, too. Surely, for any of us adopting this mindset, we would dip our toe and try far more things, whether it is activities, foods, sports, experiences, sexual activity, reading material, places to visit - and the list goes on…

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that if I try approaching everything that comes my way as ‘an experiment', then if it goes well, it’s a success, fun, tasty, or rewarding, then I have discovered something positive and new and will therefore embrace and repeat it. If, on the other hand, it is not such a positive outcome, then I won’t beat myself up or regret it, but merely see it as the result of my experimental approach to life, accepting that it wasn’t great, learn from it, and just move on. I won’t hang on to the negativity and dwell on it, nor would I turn the opportunity down in the first place.

So I’m going to try it…. How about you?

Worrying about what others think of us is as wasteful as trying to catch the wind.

A topic that often crops up when I’m working with clients is how much they worry about what others think of them.

As an executive coach, clients in the corporate world often worry about what their colleagues, clients or managers think of how they presented in front of an audience, what they thought about the comments or contributions they made during a meeting, or what their colleagues think when they can hear them on the phone having a difficult conversation with a customer. Some worry so much that they will do their best to avoid the situation. Waiting until the office is almost un-manned before making a call, not speaking up in a meeting at all if they can avoid it, getting out of making a presentation and missing the chance to impress.

Teenagers that I work with often assume friends or classmates are talking about them, judging them negatively, even laughing about them behind their backs.

1:1 clients mention many different scenarios that fill them with angst and worry, whether it is about their friends, family members, or colleagues judging them when they do something. They even worry about what total strangers will think of them.

This angst is exhausting, damaging, confidence draining and more often than not, misplaced.

The reality is we are really not that important. People have far more important things of their own to focus on - why do we think we are that interesting? Others are often just too busy to give us a great deal of thought. Perhaps a minute or two, if that, before moving on to more important things in their own lives.

And when they do think about us at all, it is often, in reality, not at all the sorts of thoughts we fear they are thinking. We are far more judgmental and harder on ourselves than other people are about us.

But more importantly, we cannot change what others do or don't think about us. None of us are going to be liked by everyone. Even the nicest people in the world annoy some - and that's absolutely OK.

We need to feel comfortable with not being accepted by everyone, by not being liked by all. When I first started running workshops, or presenting to large audiences and more recently, posting blogs - I too felt scared about some people not liking what I said, how I presented, who I was, what I wrote about, or how. It is frightening and we can feel very vulnerable. But it feels so much better when we feel comfortable being uncomfortable, when we stop trying to please and instead just do our best, be honest and authentic, and know that that is all we can do. Those that respond well to us are exactly the people we would like to be around, and those that don't will respond better to others. That too is OK.

There is room for us all out there, we just need to stop trying too hard and cut ourselves some slack. In fact the harshest critic we are ever going to meet is our self - but this one we can influence and change.