Do you ever find yourself watching other people and wishing you could be like them?
Coaching is the process of self-improvement, and change. If you feel ready to improve any area of your life, then get in contact for further details on how we can help, or book a FREE, completely confidential, 30-minute initial telephone session. Email: dawn@milestone-coaching.co.uk, or call Dawn on 01256 389600 to arrange.
Here’s a quick question for you…..
If you were offered a job, but they stressed that the job did not come with a manual, nor would they provide you with any training whatsoever, that although it would prove to be the most rewarding role you could imagine, should anything negative happen whatsoever, you would always feel that you were to blame and that lastly, if you accepted the role, it would be a role for life, you could never ever resign or walk away. Would you accept the role or would you run for the hills? Yet, this is the reality when we become a parent.
Here are 7 lies I used to believe about being a parent.
Here are 10 life lessons I have learned from my clients….
My Mum always used to say that “everything happens in threes” but recently I have been benefitting from the power of fives.
Mel Robbins is known for her Five Second Rule, which if you haven’t already checked it out, is definitely worth a look.
The 5 Second Rule is simple and comes into its own when suffering from procrastination or avoidance.
If you need to take action when you really don’t want to this is the rule for you. When you have the instinct to take some action, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it. There is a window that exists between the moment you have the instinct to act and your mind killing it. It's a 5-second window.
The rule states that we count backwards from 5 with the full commitment that the moment we hit 1, we just do it….. we take action; we pick up the phone, immediately dial the number and make that awkward call we’ve been avoiding for the last few hours, or when we hit 1 we instantly and without any further thought, make ourselves simply put our feet on the floor and get out of bed, or we commit to the decision that on 1 we will open the front door and begin the run we’ve been delaying, press send on the email we’ve been holding back, just jump into the cold swimming pool, and so on.
It is a surprisingly simple rule to use to overcome procrastination, speak up, take action, push ourselves, and get results. If you haven’t already discovered the benefits for yourself, I strongly recommend you give it a try.
Now that we’ve overcome our procrastination and are making good progress with a task, the magic number 5 can help us once again - using the “Just Five More” strategy.
This simple, yet very effective time management strategy can help us when our brainpower, motivation, and energy begin to flag and we find ourselves reaching a point of strongly considering leaving the task for another day, find ourselves feeling distracted with non-essential things, or are tempted to take a not yet earned break.
Applying the simple rule “just five more" has been incredibly helpful for me. Depending on the task, this might be just five more sentences, emails, phone calls, minutes, or items. Whatever it is, committing to just five more puts us back in control, improves our productivity, keeps us on track for that little bit longer, and sometimes ‘just five more’ turns into an extra seven or eight, or more.
Why not try these two simple methods for yourself over the next week, and see what positive impacts they have on your productivity.
For further time management strategies check out the “Time Management For Busy People” online course available now at https://www.milestone-coaching.co.uk/online-courses
What we say influences how people respond to us. Similarly, what we say to ourselves influences how we respond, feel, and think.
Sometimes just changing one or two simple words can hugely change the way our message lands. For example, a child asks his Mummy if he can have a lollipop. If she replies, "No, not until you've eaten your tea, " he will respond in one way (negatively as not very happy about the answer). If she were to very slightly change how she says the same answer to, "Yes, as soon as you've eaten your tea, " he will respond very differently (positively and likely to feel even a little chipper!) - yet she has basically said the same thing.
How can this be important when considering what we say to ourselves?
Well, if your internal chatterbox is saying things like "I've GOT to pick the kids up," "I've GOT to do the shopping," "I've GOT to visit my parents, "I've GOT to go to the Gym," it makes us feel like it’s a burden, a chore, negative, it weighs us down, and so on. If we change that internal chatter by just one word, it significantly changes how we feel about the same situation. By saying instead, "I GET to pick the kids up," I GET to do the shopping." I GET to visit my parents," I GET to go to the Gym," we feel so much better about the task, that it's a pleasure or a privilege or even a gift!! And that's just changing one word in our head.
What about all the negative sentences, beliefs, doubts, and worries that we say to ourselves? Here's the challenge - regularly go into your head and notice what you are saying to yourself. Could it be improved, be more helpful, encouraging, supportive to you? Would you say it to your best friend or loved one? If not, then don't say it to yourself.
STOP the negative chatter. Change your internal communication. Become a friend to yourself and see how differently you feel about yourself and the world.
Good luck.
Researchers have known for some time that 80% of us commonly experience a peak in our concentration and focus in the morning, a trough soon after lunch, and a recovery period sometime before the close of business - or put another way; an up-down-back up.
It might not be too surprising to learn that certain types of tasks are better suited to one phase than the others and if we are aware of this, then we could use it to our advantage. Analytical work has been found to be much better suited to the ‘peak’ phase, or the first part of our working day. Brainstorming and creative tasks are often better performed in the ‘recovery’ part of the day, whereas mundane and un-demanding tasks, such as admin, are much better suited to the post-lunch dip phase of the day.
A shocking finding came when Danish researchers looked at two million standardised test scores in Denmark. They found that students who took the test in the morning scored significantly better than students who took the test in the afternoon. In fact, they found that taking the test in the afternoon is equivalent to missing two weeks of school.
Research reveals that time of day explains around 20% of the variance in how people perform on cognitive tasks, highlighting the importance of not just writing a plan or to-do list for our day, but crucially to also consider when we carry out those tasks. If we are able to consciously block out time in our calendar for certain tasks in order to fully maximise our peak concentration and focus phase, and again to ensure we get as much out of the ‘recovery’ phase as we can, we will find that our overall effectiveness and productivity will enormously benefit.
But what if we have no control over the timing? What if we have an important interview, an aptitude test, driving test, exam, or meeting that has been scheduled for us and we cannot alter the timing? Thankfully, there are things we can do.
People given a 20 to 30-minute break during which they ran or walked around outside, were found to not only improve their performance scores, but they were even higher than tasks carried out in the ‘trough’ phase without the opportunity to first have an active, outdoors, short break.
Furthermore, a 1 or 2-minute break was found to be better than none.
Moving was found to be better than stationary.
Outside was found to be better than inside.
What I take from this is that my daily to-do lists of high priority tasks are still very important, but if I go a step further and plan when I am going to carry out the highest priority and/or highly cognitive or creative tasks, I will surely maximise the amount of time I have, improve my productivity and get better overall results. Not only that, but if I build in a walk around the garden with the dogs immediately after my lunch, I will counteract the ‘trough’ or post-lunch dip, and will use all of my time in a much more efficient way - it is all about task and self-management.
I’ve always said that ‘time management’ is a myth, because we can’t actually manage time at all - it is a fixed commodity and we all have the same amount available to us in any one day. But what we can manage is ourselves and what we do in the time available to us and by making small changes, we really can make very large improvements.
This is the time of year when many of us are working to improve parts of our life, lose weight, quit smoking, get fit, build good habits or change/stop bad habits. But it is not always easy, and whilst some may be struggling a little, others may well have given up already and reverted back to their old, familiar habits and behaviours.
It is our willpower that makes all the difference to our success - the inner strength that enables us to persevere with whatever we are working towards achieving or attempting to resist. Plentiful stores of willpower are essential for making any change, enabling us to reject immediate satisfaction, pleasure or comfort, in order to gain something better, even if it requires effort and time to gain.
I love the “Feel Better, Live More” podcast by Dr Chatterjee at the best of times but especially this very special episode. I would STRONGLY RECOMMEND you have a listen.
It’s powerful, confronting, and challenging and his Guest’s honesty, empathy, and willingness to share the wisdom of her 93 years is truly inspiring. Dr. Edith Eger is a Holocaust survivor, psychologist, and expert in the treatment of post-traumatic stress, but above all, she’s an incredible human being with an extraordinary story to share. Her latest book, The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life, is quite simply a phenomenal read and one that Dr. Chatterjee believes is a must-read for all of us, so it is the next book on my reading list!
Did you know that around 45% of what we do every day is done out of habit? This means that half of the time we are awake is spent with automatic behaviours. Or, put another way, we spend 1 out of every 2 minutes doing something that requires very little cognitive or emotional effort from us.
I have had the pleasure of working with many teenagers over the last few weeks. Most of them are 16 years old and are working with me as they approach their GCSE Mock Exams. Many of them are struggling with low confidence and self-belief, some are also trying to improve their focus, motivation, and organisational & time management skills. All of them fear failure!
Recently, during a session with one teenager, we focused on her reluctance to put her hand up in class and just have a ‘stab at the question’. Her Mum had already told me that the school had regularly flagged this up as an area of concern, and development.
I asked my young client what was stopping her from just having a go, and she shared that she was petrified of getting the answer wrong……… because it would make her a failure.
We talked at length about how she felt towards her classmates when they answered a question incorrectly, and she realised she had no strong feelings, either way and didn’t pass judgment on them.
We spent a long time looking into her feelings about her own ‘failings’ - something she wanted to avoid at all costs, whether it was failing an exam, or simply failing to answer a classroom question correctly.
I set about re-framing her views on what ‘failing’ meant in her mind. I asked her to recall a time when she had recently answered a question correctly and, other than feeling relieved at knowing the answer, what did she actually learn about the subject by answering the question correctly?” She took some time to think it through and then admitted, “Nothing really, I already knew the subject.”
What then had she learned when she had not known the answer to a question and answered incorrectly or “failed”? There was a hint of a smile when the penny dropped and she had to admit that in fact, she had learned far more by getting it wrong. She had ‘filled a gap in her knowledge,” rather than just confirming what she already knew.
She could clearly now see that by changing how she viewed “failing” she could learn so much more, and that, in turn, would ironically help her to succeed! ‘Failing’ was in fact a good thing. ‘Failing’ increased her chances of ultimately succeeding and rather than see it as the enemy, she can now see it as her friend and ally in learning.
She understands that we have to embrace ‘not knowing’. We have to reframe instances where we ‘don’t know the answer’ as an opportunity to gain new information, and a chance to broaden our knowledge.
I shared with her the words of my teacher from many years ago:
“It is not a bad thing to fail. Instead, see a FAIL as the FIRST ATTEMPT IN LEARNING.”
Sometimes our scales tip in the wrong direction. We can be too sensitive and this can bring a lot of pain and upset in our lives. Or we can be too hard and cold to others and this can not only hurt them, but it can also cause significant damage to our relationships.
By working with my clients to help them achieve a much healthier balance; a thick skin so they experience a lot less upset, and a softer and a kinder heart towards those around them, they very quickly see dramatic results.
It’s so much healthier to experience less pain inside and can be deeply fulfilling to improve relationships and ultimately bring a lot more happiness into our world.
Visit: www.milestone-coaching.co.uk/coaching for much more information.
In everything we do, we always have a choice. When the going gets tough do we push on through, remain focused and determined, remember our why, and ultimately succeed with our original goal?
Or, do we look at the first obstacle that comes our way, tell ourselves disempowering thoughts, let self-doubt and ‘problems’ drag us down, and quickly give up?
Ultimately, it is down to what we say in our heads. If we run helpful, encouraging, empowering thoughts, in an open growth mindset we are much more likely push through and accomplish exactly what we set out to achieve.
Or, we allow the negative, disempowering thoughts to win and we throw in the towel. It is our choice both in terms of what we say to ourselves, but also whether we pay attention to it or instead, we ignore/override it, stick with our why, and succeed.
We choose…..!
A growth mindset is one of the best things you can focus on in your personal development. It will make you happier, more successful, more open to change, and much more likely to embrace hard work.
Those with a Growth Mindset have been found to be much more flexible, and significantly more adaptive to changed situations, and in these very changing times, the person who is the most adaptive will be the most successful! So, why wouldn’t any of us want to work on this and reap the benefits of our hard work?
In addition, a Growth Mindset will also make you aware of opportunities or possibilities you would miss if have a very Fixed Mindset. In fact, the greater the Growth Mindset, the more these opportunities become suddenly interesting because you know you can do something with them and apply them to achieving your goals - your subconscious mind will elegantly present you all kinds of opportunities you would otherwise have missed out on and you are much more likely to take action and get the results you want.
Problem-solving is also improved by fostering a Growth Mindset. Whether you believe you can find a solution, or whether you believe you can’t, you are right! So, if you maintain a Fixed Mindset and tell yourself “there is nothing I can do to solve this challenge,” then your failure is guaranteed. In contrast, a person with a developed Growth Mindset is much more likely to believe “I can find a solution to this….. I just need to explore all possible avenues.” and as a result is far more likely to accomplish exactly that.
Furthermore, with a Growth Mindset, the chance of you giving up on your efforts to pursue your goals is much less than if you have a Fixed Mindset. If you give up, you’ll never be successful. With a Growth Mindset, you will be much more successful because you continue to pursue your goals with focus, hard work, and consistency until you are successful. Quitters don’t win, and winners don’t quit.
But one important benefit, as I see it, is the fact that you will be much more open to yourself and other people if you have a Growth Mindset. You are willing to admit failures and to celebrate your successes to yourself and others because you know that this is the best way for you to learn and to improve yourself. You will learn faster from your experiences when having a Growth Mindset.
When you improve your Mindset, and constantly develop and seek improvement, you are realistic about all the obstacles you will meet on your path towards your goal. You won’t become frustrated, depressed, and lethargic at the very first obstacle. Instead, you will be optimistic about achieving your goal and struggle on until you do, making you unstoppable, successful, and much, much happier.
I passionately believe working on ourselves, constantly learning, and expanding our mind by fostering a Growth Mindset will make us more responsible for, and in control of our life. It will put an end to victim mentality and stop us from complaining and moaning about whatever happens in our life. And who wants to be a victim? I know I don’t!
As many of my regular followers, listeners, and clients know I passionately believe that in life what makes the real difference is our mindset. A helpful, empowering, and positive mindset will have an incredible impact on our results, our happiness, and our overall emotional well-being. Conversely, a negative, disempowering, and unhelpful mindset will hold us back, and fill us with self-doubt and pessimism. I refer to this frequently during 1:1 coaching sessions or training sessions, in fact, it underpins most of my approach. So it was with real interest, and no surprise, that I recently read the following:
Research shows:
The way we think about health changes our health
Optimists catch fewer infectious diseases and live longer
Optimists have better health habits and find joy everywhere
Optimists’ immune systems work better
Optimists prioritise sleep, fresh air, and exercise
Optimists have contagious energy.
So a ‘glass half full’ attitude in life really is much healthier for us - and don’t forget, our attitude is just a decision, and decisions can be changed.
Several evenings ago, I was enjoying a balmy summer’s evening over a glass of chilled wine with two of my closest former work mates. We were having a lovely chat about our teenage children and the new relationships they are embarking upon.
One friend was sharing how difficult it was that her daughter’s new boyfriend was incredibly shy and that despite trying to make him feel relaxed in their home and drawing him into conversation over the dinner table, it was proving a real struggle. He would avoid eye contact, blush, look on edge, and only give short answers when spoken to.
I shocked them both by saying that was exactly how I had been at 17 and that I totally empathise with him.
“Really!!?” replied one, doubtfully.
“Yes, I was scared of my own shadow. I hated social gatherings and would avoid them whenever I could. And when I couldn’t, I would get myself worked up horribly beforehand; my palms would go really clammy, my heart would race, my inner voice would flood my head with all sorts of self-doubts and anxiety, I’d go really hot and blush horribly as soon as anyone spoke to me. Being painfully shy is truly awful.”
“Why were you like that?” asked my other friend, as if there was a logical reason why I had chosen to be that way!
The first friend diverted that line of questioning by saying how genuinely shocked she was, bearing in mind the confident person they knew me to be years on from then. “I can’t believe that we know you as being really confident and bubbly, I can’t imagine you like that. How did you change it and get where you are now? You are a professional speaker comfortable in front of large audiences, a Podcaster, YouTuber, and have even occasionally been a guest Life Coach on the radio? You couldn’t be any more different than the person you are describing, how did you change it?’
The truth is, it took a lot of work. I knew I needed to believe in myself, I knew I wanted to become a stronger, more confident, and courageous individual. A person who was willing to take risks, try new things, speak out, and feel comfortable in any situation. I hated avoiding or dreading job interviews, struggling enormously with nerves and anxiety during the first few days in a new job, hating the first few dates with a new boyfriend, and then ultimately the nightmare of having to meet his family or the terror at speaking up in meetings at work, or even worse – having to give a presentation.
At first, I wasn’t sure how to turn things around, no one taught me, but I did it by myself, for myself. Slowly, but surely, I took one step at a time and built on any, and every, little successes I had. My confidence slowly grew, my self-belief developed, my courage expanded, and my happiness and achievements soared.
It wasn’t always easy, and it took me a long time. Training as a coach was a massive help because I learned tools and techniques ready to use with clients, and I was my first client!
I now know that confidence is a skill, and like all skills, it can be taught and learnt. There are many strategies and techniques that can be used to speed up the process and equally there are many negative habits and behaviours that need to be avoided.
Being shy, or struggling with social anxiety, does not have to be a permanent reality. We can make the decision to turn things around and make low confidence, poor self-belief, shyness, and social anxiety a thing of our past. Believe me, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I will never get in my own way again or hold myself back because of fear and self-doubt.
Please feel free to call me if this is something you would like to chat through and explore for your development. Perhaps together we could move you from that crippling position of low self-confidence to a place where you feel totally comfortable in your own skin, with your thoughts, and in life. I would love to speed that process up by coaching you in confidence, success, and inner happiness and teach you the tools, techniques, and strategies that will allow you to reach wherever you have only ever previously dreamed of.
